Marriage first or sex first?

Perhaps, a taboo in almost all religions, I chose to write on premarital sex because I came to know  the reasons, as told by many, that why premarital sex is a taboo. So I thought of giving it a thought.

First of all, religion. More than 1000 years ago, more than 5000 years ago, some guy I don't know he was, wrote books on moral codes. May be he was a great guy. May be he was superbly spiritual and wise. But I can be sure that he didn't know how the world would be after 5000 years. It's like a KG class child writing "How to prepare for board exams".

Even if I assume that he was an all-knowing person who could even foresee the future, are we following all the moral codes? He said, "Love thy neighbor", but we love only neighbor's son or daughter, if at all attractive. Someone wrote, "castes are bases on karma, not birth". We ignore that too. Hundreds of moral codes we ignore but not the code stating that premarital sex is a sin. Why don't we ignore it?

Many people told me that after having sex, or probably doing it a lot of times with the same person, slowly removes our interest in them. The mystery is lost. The 'unknown territory' is explored. So, the interest wanes and thus after marriage there is nothing to savor. That's what I was told by many. But hey! So I infer that marriage is nothing but a licence to have sex.

Who creates licences? Humans, of course. So there's nothing divine in marriage. It's just a social obligation then.

Now let me tell you my idea of premarital sex.

If the charm of a relationship is lost after having sex, then it clearly means that the relationship was based on physical attraction. If it was really based on spiritual or mental or emotional connection, sex wouldn't have taken away the charm. Thus, premarital sex can actually become a gauge stick to measure the level of love: physical or something beyond. They say that girls emotionally suffer the most if the relationship is over after sex. Why, I ask. The reason is that our society has made it a social sin if a girl isn't a virgin.

A virgin girl was preferred when the institution of marriage entered the society. As the feeling of ownership, superiority of men over women got into men's head, the system of marriage came up. A heir to their wealth was needed because personal wealth evolved. The ego of man required 'his' child to inherit his wealth. A virgin girl assured that she wasn't carrying an embryo. A virgin girl assured 'his' ego that he is and has been the sole 'owner' of the girl. Yes, the ownership mentality of males resulted in preference of virgin girls.

Instead of preventing girls and boys from finding out their 'type', why don't they tell them that there's nothing wrong in having sex before marriage, there's nothing wrong in enjoying what nature has given you. If it wasn't meant to enjoy, nature wouldn't have given that. Poking your eye in bad for eyes, so nature made it painful. If sex before marriage was bad for the soul, nature would have made it painful. But for an unconditioned mind, it's as pleasurable as it is after marriage. So, it's the society that creates a negative turbulence in the mind after someone does premarital sex.

Even if they don't have sex before marriage, the charm will be anyhow lost in marriage if the attraction is based on physical needs. Then what? The hopes are gone! Expectations crushed. Time for divorce. Oldies tell that love marriages are mostly unsuccessful. Love marriages can be extremely successful if the honeymoon happens before marriage. After the honeymoon, still if they want to be together, well, that's love really! Go ahead and marry! Your marriage and love shall be long lasting.

There's a reason why they say that honeymoon period is over after an year or a couple of years after marriage. The reason is that everything is explored. The mystery is over. Nothing to chase. Nothing to savor. But then, I have seen many marriages having charm even after many years. That's love! That's real understanding. That is something beyond the physical. So, you need to find out if your love is physical or something beyond it. Go and have a honeymoon because it's better to find that out before marriage than to be a prisoner for life. Yeah, divorce is an option but isn't that still a social taboo?

Some people compare sex with alcohol. They say, just like alcohol, sex is addictive. Well, I think it's not. Sex addiction happens only because society tries to prevent it. The more you resist, the more it persists. Nature has given us some basic instincts. They have a reason to exist. If they weren't important or needed, nature wouldn't have given it to us. Nature is more intelligent than any of us. Premarital sex is as natural as sex. Just the label of 'premarital' makes it sound unnatural because marriage itself is unnatural.

Statutory warning: Premarital sex can lead to unnecessary attachments with the partner which can make you need him/her rather than love him/her. So, some amount of maturity level and self-understanding is required. Else you might become a prey.

The illusion of control

In 95% of drunk driving accident cases, the drunk survives with minor injuries while the sober people (in drunk driver's car or the other car) die or get major injuries.


In olden times, when people traveled in carriages at night, the carriage often got stuck in a canal or rut and it would topple. It was observed that the drunk people in the carriage seldom got a scratch while the sober got injuries.

Why does it happen?

The drunk losses control on his body and wherever the car topples or turns, there is no RESISTANCE from the drunk's body. This is the reason of his survival. The sober tries to resist, tries to control too much; in this process he breaks his bones, gets his muscles pulled and gets serious injuries.

Now apply this funda in real life. The more we try to control life, the more it injures us. The more we LET GO, the more we are with the flow of life, the easier the life gets. Trust in God's plan. The more we resist, the more it persists.

Remember the dialog from Kungfu Panda 1?

Oogway to Shifu: "My old friend, the panda will never fulfill his destiny, nor you yours, until you let go of the illusion of control."

Shifu: "illusion?"

Oogway: "Yes. Look at this tree, Shifu. I cannot make it blossom when it suits me, nor make it bear fruit before its time."

Shifu: "But there are things we can control. I can control when the fruit will fall. (Peach falls and hits Shifu's head. lol) And I can control......where to plant the seed. That is no illusion, Master."

Oogway: "Yes. But no matter what you do that seed will grow to be a peach tree. You may wish for an apple or an orange, but you will get a peach."

Oh woman, do not be a lady

Do not be scared to run wild
Oh woman, do not be a lady
When man runs wild, he kills
When you run wild, you create


The poetry comes from your element
The music, the dance, the painting
The love, the compassion, comes from you Oh woman!
The faith, the sacrifice, the dedication


They boiled you down to be a lady
Oh woman, do not be a lady
What respect you want to savor?
Of a shackled lady? Of a free woman?


The creation, The destruction, deserves a balance
The destruction is too much now, time for creation
Give yourselves a chance to create
But first create the woman, not the lady


You keep killing the woman in you,
Thinking the man is better
But God created both, who could be better?
The God created woman, The Man created lady


You stayed away from knowledge
You stayed away from love and your own sexuality
You stayed away from life, your rights
Just to be a lady, Oh woman


Who else can be a mother, but you
Who else can nurture, but you
Do not stoop down to be a lady
Oh woman, do not be a lady


"Be a man", they say to give strength
"Be a woman", they rather should say
Your tears are your courage to be honest
Surviving the pain, has been your life since forever


Let the woman in you stay alive and wild
Do not kill it by being a lady
Keep creating like you have always done
Oh woman, do not be a lady